you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
