After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
