Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
