Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
