My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
