look no pants
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
A bitchslap is in order.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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