Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
