What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize