dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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