the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Randomize