there's paper in my vomit.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
