So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
