My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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