I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
