he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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