Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
