I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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