Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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