Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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