Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I bet he comes in French.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
