I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
