hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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