Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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