Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
