yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
