like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
