I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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