I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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