I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
