I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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