Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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