Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
