member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
