New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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