Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
