thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Is Oprah even human
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
