I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
