Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
