I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
