I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
