eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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