I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
