I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
