I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Congratulations! We have a period
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
