Soap is not a condiment
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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