Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
