I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
