Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
