Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
