My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm just crazy horny about you
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
