wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
