Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
