I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
