I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
