my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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