I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
