I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
