I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
