Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
