kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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